Imagine if you came into a great deal of money suddenly, say you won the lottery. Wouldn’t that be great? You could quit your job, invest time in the things you really care about, and help out the people you love.
Sound good so far? Let’s go a bit deeper with it.
Who would you help first? Let’s say you decided to help your parents. Maybe you’d pay off their mortgage, or you’d buy them a new house. They would be thrilled, right?
But now let’s consider the people who might make comments about it, neighbors and other people you grew up around. Maybe they will think the house you buy your parents is too extravagant, or not extravagant enough. Perhaps they’ll say you are cheap. Or that you are flaunting your newfound wealth.
Now think about who would be next in line. Perhaps your siblings. How much would you need to give to each of them, and would it need to be the same amount for each, or different amounts depending on how much each of them needs? What if one of your siblings were quite well-off already–do you give them the same amount as the others? And if you don’t, is there resentment that brews?
This is all before considering the friends that you surely will want to help out. But which ones do you give preference to, and which ones do you draw the line at? And how much money do you have left over for yourself after all of this, and were you generous enough, or was it greedy to keep as much as you did?
It’s getting rather complicated now, isn’t it?
So then, let’s change the thought experiment. Imagine you rose to the top of your field and began earning top dollar doing what you love. Now you’ve earned it, unlike winning the lottery, and you don’t need to feel guilty or worry about jealousy from others anymore, do you? Well, not if your friends and family and former colleagues also earn great money in jobs they love. If they don’t, then resentment might be afoot here too.
Success can be interpreted as a betrayal by those left behind.
“I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t” Amy* lamented. She was talking about her family and her complicated relationship with them regarding money. She grew up in a humble, working class environment and got through medical school with the help of scholarships. She met the love of her life there, an entrepreneurial type who went on to create a million-dollar business. They moved to an upscale part of the country and began living a lifestyle that looked like pure luxury compared to what she’d lived at home.
Amy’s first instinct was to share her good fortune with her family. When her mother’s washing machine began acting up and needed to be changed, she took great pleasure in purchasing a brand new one for her and surprising her with it one day. Instead of being happy, her mother reacted with a mixture of annoyance and embarrassment. “You don’t have to buy me things” she said curtly.
Amy felt hurt, confused and even a bit shamed. She noticed with other family members as well that she’d taken on the role of an outsider. “We all used to struggle together” she explained, and now that she was no longer part of the struggle, the closeness and intimacy of her family relations had begun to evaporate. There was a price to pay for her success, one she hadn’t quite expected.
Amy’s situation is hardly a unique one. Rejection and loss can be real, unexpected consequences of success. When we are in any intimate relationship, there is an unspoken ethos in our bond that says, “we are in this life together, and we only transcend to the next level in tandem, not apart.”
When one member of this unit, be it a family member, a co-worker, or a friend, moves up the social hierarchy–by becoming more well-off financially or advancing academically or within a career, or by marrying someone from a higher social class–this success can easily be experienced by the ones left behind as a sort of betrayal. You once were one of them and you even disdained those in the higher echelons together. Now, much to your astonishment, you have become very much like the objects of envy and scorn that once bonded you and members of your tribe together.
This propensity to bond through mutual distrust of members of other groups is by no means limited to any particular social class. Violence amongst early humans appears to have been very high, and one of the methods of surviving such violence was to group together into small tribes for protection.
We modern humans have clearly not shed our tribalistic tendencies, no matter how evolved we believe ourselves to be. And witnessing a member of our own group crossing over to another “tribe” can easily be experienced as destabilizing. Families routinely experience distress when one member marries into another religion, social class, race or ethnicity. Change of any kind feels destabilizing to the family structure.
How does this affect your attitude toward your own success?
Many are shocked to realize that this fear of loss and connection is what has been holding them back subconsciously from pursuing their dreams. Some unknowingly shut out the possibility of certain romantic partners on the basis of how they would be judged by their family of origin for such a choice. And others hold back from asserting themselves in their careers or in their financial lives for fear of the changes it will bring to their relationships.
If you have been wanting something for a while and it has not been happening, take an honest look at what might be holding you back.
While fear of success, or success anxiety, has many facets, perhaps none is as pervasive as the fear we feel of being cut off from those we currently feel close to.
The friends who will follow you through your changes will be the ones with whom you share the deeper bonds with.
Take a moment to consider who might have a negative reaction to your success. Is there a friend who would begin to feel alienated from you if you lost weight/quit smoking/got a better job (fill in the blank)? Who would you lose if you implemented the changes necessary to achieve your goals?
Even small changes, like going to bed earlier or cutting out drinking, can interrupt the comfortable social patterns that we base many of our friendships around.
Does it mean that you must choose between your friends and realizing your goals? Sometimes, but not necessarily.
The friends who will follow you through your changes will be the ones with whom you share the deeper bonds with. The superficial connection you share with activity partners might be replaced by future friends who engage in the new activities you choose. Maybe you lose a drinking buddy but gain a jogging partner.
As for family, this is more complicated. It may be that part of your growth together and as an individual in the next chapter of your life will involve learning to navigate newfound moments of jealousy and tension. Chances are if you are on the receiving end of jealousy from someone, that is a long-standing issue that has manifested between you on other topics in the past.
In Amy’s case, once she acknowledged the sadness, shame, and indignation she’d been experiencing toward her family in response to what felt like judgment of her wealth, things began to change.
Owning her own feelings helped her to stop projecting them onto others. Yes, there was verifiable jealousy and “othering” coming from family members in relation to her financial situation. But sometimes they appreciated what her financial freedom brought to their own situations. They did enjoy the vacation stays in the beautiful country cottage she’d purchased just for them. And when her parents suffered a financial setback and nearly lost the home she’d grown up in, she was able to put up the funds to keep the house in the family.
The truth is that your achievements really do not belong solely to you.
When you stop feeling ashamed of what you have, you can step into the role of benefiting others and fostering their own success. The truth is that your achievements really do not belong solely to you. There have been a long line of teachers and caregivers and friends who encouraged and inspired you along the way to get you to where you are going. And they could not have given you the support they did without having reached a certain level of success themselves first. This simple acknowledgment can help you to soothe the guilt or lack of worthiness you may feel about growing and changing.
Who would you be without that nagging, even slight but persistent pang of guilt or embarrassment you feel about the prospect of money and achievements?
If you decided that you wanted to achieve not just for yourself but for the friends and family members who might benefit from your resources as well, how would that feel? As you get to know this new version of yourself, you can step into the role of being the benefactor to others that you once needed, and you might feel proud rather than guilty about your wins.
*In order to protect the anonymity of my client(s), I’ve created composite characters and identifying factors have been changed.
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